This Sporting Life

To start with, here’s a joke (though nowadays probably both politically and factually incorrect) that features in the spoof disaster movie ‘Airplane!’

Elaine Dickinson: “Would you like something to read?”

Hanging Lady: “Do you have anything light?”

Elaine Dickinson: “How about this leaflet, ‘Famous Jewish Sports Legends?’”

The point being that a leaflet would pretty much sum up the pool of achievement and talent that is my sporting prowess!

But I did have a couple of moments that linger…

Dreadlock Holiday

“I don’t like Cricket. Oh no! I LOVE it!”

During the glorious Euro ‘96 footballing summer of, erm, 1996, I played in my very first ever proper cricket match (in actuality there was only one other match).

I honestly had no idea how good I would be at cricket, but suspected I might be a reasonable bowler, but a below average batter. So on one warm summer evening as part of a work inter region tournament, off we went to play in a lovely field on the Kent / Sussex border,

We won the toss and decided to bat first. I was not expecting to even get to put pads on, let alone to actually bat, but we had a mid order collapse and so as eighth man, I had to gingerly trot out for what would be the last couple of overs. Was I scared? Yes. Yes I was.

Of the six balls I actually faced, the first four produced a single and a four – and I would have been happy with that effort. But – astonishingly – for the penultimate delivery I smashed the ball out of the field and over the clubhouse to the waiting parked cars behind for a glorious six! Marvellous scenes!

That moment when your own actions stun yourself speechless? That.

And so our innings finished with my batting career total score being 11 not out, off six balls.

I bowled my allotted two overs quite well too, and managed also to take a catch in the gully, but the batting effort was such a shock to me. Thankfully I have a family member that witnessed it, as if I had only witnessed it myself I doubt anyone would have believed it!

BBC* Sports Personality Of The Year 1989

*Sorry, NOT BBC, I meant PCC (Portslade Community College)

Incredibly, in 1989 I was jointly named the inaugural school ‘Sports Personality of the Year’ alongside one of my best friends! This really was a miracle and one or two jealous types considered it to be a joke in light of the fact that neither of us was particularly talented at many sports (maybe apart from Hockey, at which we both played games for Sussex Schools.)

The fact that the award was given for effort and willingness to take part in virtually every sport going was lost on some people… though it gave my mum a laugh!

One-Seventy-Five

This one was a very nice conspicuous victory!

I’ve never been that good at ten pin bowling, though I’ve always enjoyed playing for a laugh. That said I was probably rubbish in the initial games I played as I had the wrong fingers in the bowling ball holes. Note to adults: Children need to be shown these things sometimes!

Anyway, fingers adjusted and on to one of the last events I was involved in for my retail career: a work night out with about 25 colleagues down the bowling alley.

Anyone who has worked in a supermarket will know that there are some over precious egos at work much of the time, which generally involves boys showing off to girls and vice versa. So we had this mammoth game with all these people fighting for bragging and shagging rights, and I simply played my own game quietly and unnoticed amongst all the sawdust flirting. Evidently most hadn’t been paying much attention to scores other than their own, so after an epic 3 hours later (for ONE game) up pops my name on the screen as the winner, with a pretty reasonable total of 175! I kid you not, at least three lads stormed off home. I have no idea if they were embarrassed or had lost bets etc. but they just went! I’ll always remember one lad, who once the screen had done its reveal, just turned to stare at me in disbelief, threw his shoes off, grabbed his coat and ran out via the fire escape. All very odd!

What else could I do but smile that I was soon to be leaving some of these morons forever!?

The Backwards Race

You see THIS should have been the best one.

Picture the scene. Unsurprisingly I wasn’t the fastest 7 year old there’s been, but I DID have an ability to run backwards with some cohesion, and at some speed. In the practise sessions for the always eagerly anticipated primary school sports day, I won every backwards race heat going. I’d found my niche! So come the big day, I couldn’t wait to get a coveted First Place sticker, to go alongside the same prize I’d won the previous year at Wellyboot throwing. It was a formality surely.

Nice action

BANG! Went the gun… and I fell on my backside quicker than the gunpowder leaving the casing. The audible groan of sympathy from the crowd wasn’t lost on me either. So I got up, ran backwards for about 3 metres, and blow me if I didn’t fall on my arse AGAIN! I could’ve cried – it would’ve sounded in tune with the now embarrassed audible groan from the crowd this time.

Determined to finish, I still had 30 metres or so to go. So I just absolutely went for it…

…and I’d love this story to have a happy ending…

But I finished second!