Star Wars - Uptown Ranking

Apologies to non Sci-Fi fans / non Star Wars fans / non movie fans etc… but this is serious stuff!

I suspect this might be amongst the most debated of the blogs that I’ve done to date as it’s a subject that not only do few totally agree on, but also one that people get vehemently defensive and irate about in attempts to justify why THEY must be right, and YOU must be wrong.

This will start light hearted, but I’ll bet you a penny to a pinch of Bantha Fodder that it won’t end that way… and I apologise in advance for the 'in' jokes galore!

Let us begin this debate, at the best possible place:

So for the benefit of those not in the know (if they are even still reading this) the below is the order in which the films were originally released:

Episode IV: A New Hope (released in 1977)

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

Episode VI: Return Of The Jedi (1983)

Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)

Episode II: Attack Of The Clones (2002) 
Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith (2005)

The creator of Star Wars (His Royal Highness-ness, Sir George Lucas of ILM) will try to convince you that he had a nine part saga in his head all along, and will you give his own (often conflicting) reasons as to why he started with Episode IV. However, I’ve never personally bought the many explanations for this, and having investigated a little bit further, one of the following two reasons COULD hold the true answer:

So yes, it starts with the FOURTH episode.

Confused yet? You will be – You WILL be.

a)

George didn’t actually know the correct order for Roman numerals

b)

George originally entitled the film >

Episode 1       V: A New Hope

…because apparently (according to one of those Wiki-leaks websites) he pre-empted the Sci-Fi / Horror / Cult TV show ‘V’ and wanted to make a silver screen version of it first. However, his production team disliked the first manuscript and suggested a new strategy, and therefore didn’t let the Wiki win…

It’s a boring conversation anyway, and ultimately we don’t actually know the real truth, and in truth we probably don’t really care. Either way, what he told you was true, from a certain point of view.

Anyways rearrange the Episode numbers, and the actual storyline order of the films is thus:

Episode I: The Phantom Menace 
Episode II: Attack Of The Clones 
Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith 
Episode IV: A New Hope

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Episode VI: Return Of The Jedi

Now, there is a whole OTHER debate that could rage here:

In which order should the Star Wars films be viewed? Original order Vs Chronological order

But I’m not going to do that here, as frankly I am not a Jedi yet, and therefore I have no patience.

Instead I shall offer up my preferred order of Best to Worst of the six films released so far, in reverse order, with a bit of blogger’s commentary and a few pros and cons and whilst y’all get your hair buns in a twist about it, I’ll be checking out the Bespin Hospitality lounge for a few parsecs. The foam parties they have there always give me brain freeze…

Worst to Best

Episode I: The Phantom Menace

There’s a line in Episode IV A New Hope (ANH) that people often associate with The Phantom Menace (TPM): “What a piece of junk!”

I think that’s harsh. In fact, I’m going to contradict myself a bit and say that despite placing TPM as ‘worst’, I think I prefer the term ‘least best’, on the basis that I don’t think it’s as bad as many people make it out to be – it’s just not as good as the other five, but to me it still has the ‘feel’ of ANH.

Going to see this for the first time was the most expensive trip I’ve ever made to the cinema though, as I went to Dallas, Texas specifically to watch it. Why? Well back then the UK was always at least SIX weeks behind in film release dates, and the hype was so great that I couldn’t bear the wait!

Like Yoda said: You.Must.Learn.Patience.

Pros:

• A first look at Coruscant. It’s nothing like Scotland, I can tell you that much.

• Natalie Portman is a VERY worthy mum to Leia. Also, Keira Knightley can be seen loitering in the background. Happy days.

Cons:

• Slightly too long

• The screen time of Jar Jar Binks. I actually don’t mind the character, just the amount we see of him.

Funny:

• Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and Darth Maul’s epic battle choreography wouldn’t have looked out of place in a Cliff Richard movie

Episode VI: Return Of The Jedi

In the spring of 1983, the question being asked was ‘Could Return Of The Jedi (ROTJ) ever top the drama of The Empire Strikes Back (ESB)?’

Well no, it couldn’t unfortunately. It’s still got plenty of noteworthy emotive and dramatic moments though, but almost feels a bit tired. And if only an alternative ending had been considered that didn’t involve blowing up another Death Star.

My lingering question is this >

The first Death Star was started during the latter end of the Episode II Attack Of The Clones (AOTC) storyline, and it clearly took the best part of 22 years to build. Yet the second Death Star somehow took just FOUR years to be 90% completely built!!!

I know you have advancements in technology, but really!?

Pros:

• John Williams’ operatic quality of the Skywalker Vs Vader duel musical core

• Speaking of which, the Ewok Celebration music (also known as Nub-Jub) was replaced in the Special Edition with Victory Celebration and it’s infinitely better

• Admiral Ackbar…  ‘nuff said.

Con:

• It just seems to drag a little here and there, and maybe suffers in its comparison to ESB

Funny:

• The Imperial Scout Walker getting its head smashed in by caber tossing Ewoks

Episode II: Attack Of The Clones

It has to be said that AOTC was a big improvement on TPM. The pace picks up quickly and the proper seeds of what is to come are well and truly sown. The middle films in such series are often good (The Godfather Part II, Back To The Future Part II, and ESB obviously)… It’s usually when a whole lotta stuff starts falling apart at the seams, and that rule is prevalent throughout AOTC.

It may be a touch heavy on the cartoon-like CGI, but it’s just a kids film after all, isn’t it!?

Pros:

• Introducing Mace Windu’s Purple Lightsaber (the AK–47). The very best there is when you absolutely, positively, got to kill every MoFo in the First Battle of Geonosis. Accept no substitutes #shamon

• Anakin & Padmé’s love theme – more superb work from John Williams

• Anakin’s first proper steps to becoming Vader are evident when he slaughters Tusken Raiders galore

• Christopher Lee. Any man with the balls to proudly display three nipples is worthy of a mention

 

Titillating – and therefore maybe they DO have nipples in space after all

Con:

• I hope Yoda isn’t claiming any disability benefits in light of those astonishing acrobatics

Funny:

• Padmé’s instant recovery following her fall from a great height onto hard sand. Hmmm. Instead of bouncing up and making off like the Running Man, I think in reality she would’ve been in agony, raising her hand and screaming “MEDIC!”

 

Nice outfit though

Episode IV: A New Hope

“That’s no moon, it’s a space station.”

Lots of folks will say the first one is the best one, but I’m not so sure.

However, I do agree that it has to be recognised as the ground breaker, and without the success of ANH, we probably wouldn’t have seen the others. Incredibly I know people who have ONLY seen ANH, and have not bothered to watch the others. How can they feel that their lives are in any way complete?

Talking of completeness, why did the Special Editions continue to exclude the Koo Stark footage? If nothing else, the whole ‘Biggs’ scene near the end would’ve make a bit more sense, and his death would provide more poignancy?

I've no idea who the other guy at the back of this photo is though.

That said he does bear an uncanny resemblance to my driving instructor from 1993.

Pros:

• Special effects - no-one had ever seen anything like it before. And it hasn't dated badly either

• Blue Milk

• The Death Star trench battle sequence at the climax of the movie. In a few short cinematic minutes, George Lucas invented Minecraft 

Con:

• Here’s some controversy for you. I find C-3PO irritating in ANH. But maybe that’s the point?

Funny:

• The Stormtrooper clunking his helmet on a blast door.

• Chewie roaring at the MSE mouse droid.

Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith

You can imagine the 20^th Century Fox boardroom meeting:

“No pressure or anything George, but this is the big one. This will provide the answer to the biggest question Star Wars fans have been asking for years: HOW, exactly HOW will you turn stroppy emo teen wannabe Jedi Master Ani Skywalker into the Sith Lord ‘I’m second in charge of everything in the galaxy’ Darth Vader?”

Did he succeed in pulling it off, or are you still not happy?

Well I was satisfied enough with how it transpired, and the climactic battle between Obi-Wan and Anakin at the end of the film was absolutely superb. As mentioned before, I love noticing a bit of choreographed dancing in the saga.

The only thing I’d change would be how Padmé dies. When one is not especially ill, ‘losing the will to live’ is more akin to the death of an elderly person. Usually.

Pros:

• Recognition of the vantage point known as ‘the high ground’. It’s a real boon in any situation, so don’t underestimate it or you’ll lose your limbs*

*possibly

• Ian McDiarmid hamming it up as The Emperor. Love the uncontrolled scream of “Unlimited Power”…

Cons:

• Hmm… some of the dialogue is a touch corny on occasions, but hey, this IS Star Wars.

Memo, dated circa 1977

To: H. Ford

From: G. Lucas

Message begins:

I CAN write crap, and you CAN and WILL say it

Message ends.

Funny:

• Not hilarious per se, but I rather like two lines in particular said by Ewan McGregor in proper Sir Alec Guinness mode: “So uncivilised” and “Hello there!”

• Anakin’s immortal romanticism: “No, it’s because I’m so in love with YOU!”

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

What’s not to like?

Action, Drama, Comedy, Romance, Tragedy all rolled into 120 glorious minutes of film.

It’s impressive – most impressive.

Not only is it most (not all) Star Wars fans’ favourite movie of the series, it usually stands up well amongst the very best and top rated movies of all time.

In fact, I’m not sure I need to say anything else, save that I recently had a brief chat with a female at my workplace, who staunchly claimed that ROTJ was far superior to ESB.

She was terminated. Immediately.

I’m not sure anyone will miss her.

Pros:

• The whole soundtrack. John Williams got a Grammy for this one…should have been an Oscar

• I’m gonna get flamed for this, but I think Leia looked her absolute best in this one – yes even more so than in ROTJ and THAT gold bikini

• And of course, the best response in a movie ever:

Cons:

• None. Seriously none.

Funny:

• The Stormtrooper wardrobe malfunction in the Carbon Freeze scene

• Lando seemingly struggling to stifle a giggle in the last scene – probably because he knows he’s nicked Han’s clothes

So there you have it. It may be that you don’t agree with me. If that’s the case, then I find your lack of faith disturbing, but May the Force be with you anyways.

As for me, I agreed to go and clean C-3PO in exchange for getting smashed into oblivion on the Spice Mines of Kessel after writing this – it’s a deal that’s getting worse all the time.

Bonus material!

Episode 7: The Force Awakens
So we waited with baited breath for years to find out what happened BEFORE ANH, even though we knew where it was ultimately going. What we DIDN'T know though, was what happened next?

And so were born the Sequels! We were pretty much told to ignore the huge canon of post ROTJ books and storylines, as from here on in, George Lucas would not be pulling the strings. JJ Abrams, it's over to you...

The anticipation of the arrival of Episode 7 was absolutely immense. The producers managed to keep the plotline so shrouded in decrecy so well, that it really was a journey into the unknown. And quite frankly, what a damn fine job they did.

Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens (TFA) was compelling viewing from start to finish. How often do you go to the cinema and hear great cheers and whooping, just because a few aging characters appear on screen. And what other spaceship can give you goosebumps when you see it left to wrack and ruin in an old junkyard.

Hugely satisfying was this new SW experience. Episodes 8 and 9 have much to live up to!

Pros:

• Again, an almighty soundtrack from John Williams. Especially Rey's theme, and the swirling extra bar in the finale

• A noble departure for one of the characters.

• Daisy Ridley. She nails it is so many ways, and with dimples to die for as well. I hope the casting crew got a decent bonus as the female leads in this series are so well cast

 

Cons:

• I wanted Rey's 'vision' to be longer. At least double actually!

• Where's Lando? Keg being kept dry for Episode 8?

Funny:

• BB8 - Genius. More of this droid please.

• "Stop holding my HAND!"

Just another 18 months to wait...