An Anti-Bucket List

This has been a pretty tricky piece to write. I generally don’t tend to go out of my way to look for negatives, so you’ll be pleased to know this is a quick and short blog job...

Along the lines of being the polar opposite to the cracking Morgan Freeman / Jack Nicholson movie, an ‘anti-bucket list’ is effectively the things you hope to never do before you die!

So without further ado, it’s on my anti-bucket list not to…

Go anywhere where there are bird eating spiders.

These monsters are as big as your fist and don’t give me that old flannel about every living thing having a right to life. They’re homing spiders too, so it’s no good you taking them to the back of the garden and “ta-ta!” They’ll be BACK with a two fingered salute before you know it.

I’ve got the shivers just thinking about it.

Go potholing

I so very nearly did this one. I was on a school trip in 1991 and got all togged up and was ready to traipse some of Wales’ finest pothole routes – and then I bottled it. It was the right decision. An hour or so later, people came out of there frozen and in tears, suffering from claustrophobic stress and whatnot.

Take illegal substances

Yes I’m boring I guess, but it’s just so not my scene.

“How do you know Bez, you’ve not even tried it mate!?”

Yeah but I really don’t want to. I’m happy with my own ‘drug’ of choice (alcohol) so you take what you want and I’ll take what I want – simples!

I know I’m in the tiniest possible minority to have never even TRIED illegal substances – I think I can only count on half of one hand the amount of friends I know who also haven’t indulged – but I’m comfortable with it.  Live and let live etc.

Watch Top Gun

“WHAT!? And you claim to be a child of the 80’s?”

Yeah but is it all that? Really? I personally love the Brat Pack movies (and in my mind, TG is in the same ball park) but when I persuaded my wife to watch St Elmo’s Fire recently, she fell asleep. 

That is surely more heinous a crime than to never watch TG! So hopefully I won’t cave in and will live out my days until my Goose is cooked, not knowing whether Tom & Kelly ever got it on.

Gutted that none of my teachers looked as good as Kelly though…

And admittedly, Take My Breath Away is an absolute belter of a song. Terri Nunn did, and always will, ROCK!

Willingly listen to an Ellie Goulding song

Sorry, I know it sounds mean, but I just don’t like her singing voice, which is a shame as some of her songs are pretty good. I can’t put my finger on it, but bless her it just grates with me and is a right turn off.

I’ve heard she speaks highly of me though. And she adores my own nasal toned singing voice.

Touch a snake

“They’re not slimy, so what’s the problem?”

I really couldn’t give a Monkey’s flying Canadian club if snakes are slimy, furry, fluffy or rock hard, I will never get within 10 feet of a snake, even if its trapped inside a 4 inch glass enclosure, let alone TOUCH one.

You might have seen me at the Zoo actually, running out of the reptile building, screaming and crying. I just cannot be near them – they’re out to get me!