Not So Sweet 16

This coming springtime my step daughter turns 16 and recently we had the inevitable request put to us:

“Can I have a party please!?”

Oh how the memories came flooding back about my own 16^th birthday party…

There will likely be a few people reading this who were present and will also remember that Saturday night back in October 1991.

I was on a swing in Easthill Park, Portslade late one summer’s evening, when I first thought that having a party would be the greatest idea ever. This of course was back in the days when mid teens actually went to the park to speak to their friends and hang out rather than have a relationship with them via their phone. In fact I don’t think I knew anyone who owned a mobile phone in 1991 apart from Derek Trotter.

So I sat there swinging away (in my shellsuit), mulling it over with a few mates at dusk and mentally working out a guest list. I recall one of the girls present stating that the main ‘rules’ ought to be a ‘ban on jelly and ice-cream’ and ‘no parents allowed’, because after all, we didn’t want it to be a kids party. So I slept on it before asking my parents the next day about what my chances were.

Amazingly they agreed to it! The only proviso being that the maximum amount of guests didn’t exceed 40 people.

I genuinely couldn’t believe my luck and knocked up my invite list, which was actually quite hard to do as I ended up having to omit some decent people, but I didn’t want to push my luck with the numbers, so out of fairness I stuck with the 40 allowed.

Ahead of the event, my Dad made the calligraphic invites, and as I was working on the day of the party, my Mum decorated the house with photos of the younger me and banners etc as well as laying out a brilliant spread of party food (no jelly and ice cream)

And true to their word, my parents and younger brother left me to it at about 630pm and toodled round to my grandparents on the other side of the Valley in Portslade and said they’d be back at approximately 1am.

I waited in great anticipation, in my new one-size-too-small red panel Chipie jeans… 

 …naively thinking that if 30 people showed up it would be pretty good going.

When I did a head count at 10pm, there were well over one hundred people!

In my genuine ignorance, I clearly hadn’t considered at all that there would be ANY gate crashers, let alone literally dozens of extra people turning up. Thankfully I knew most of them, but there were plenty of new faces too – including a Brighton & Hove Albion youth team footballer briefly.

Basically I got scared. I couldn’t control any of it and spent the night praying that the house didn’t get destroyed or set fire to! As it happened I suppose it wasn’t TOO bad really, but it felt terrifying right in the middle of it, and I guess in the era now of ‘Armageddon Facebook parties’ it could have been a lot, lot worse. Some events of note that caused me angst on the night stick in the memory though:

• The downstairs toilet getting blocked – so a neighbours pathway was used as an alternative
• The garden got flattened
• The vacuum cleaner being hurled down the stairs (and skilfully caught)
• The settee being completely caved in
• Various spots of blood
• Cigarette butts embedded in the carpets
• Dozens of beer bottles hurled into the neighbouring school field, and neighbours gardens
• Various videos and cassettes stolen 
• ...and of course, the next door neighbour’s derelict untaxed Volkswagen Beetle having its roof caved in:

I’m well aware of various other shenanigans that took place but it’s fair to say that there’s intentionally no names mentioned at all in this ‘before the watershed’ blog for many good reasons!

Back to the party (yes there was still a party going on), and there were, on occasion, quite a few minutes when I wasn’t actually hiding. Bless her, the same girl who had suggested a ban on jelly and ice cream offered to dance with me at one point as she could see I was suffering and not really having a good time! Just beforehand, one of the less bright attendees had suggested we put his cassette on to change the music. He said “you won’t need to turn the volume up Bez, as it’s automatically loud”. Okay then.

To my sadness, the majority of my best friends left relatively early for one reason or another. I really couldn’t blame them though, and I suspect I would have done the same as it felt the whole event was increasingly getting out of hand at times, especially when someone asked if there was a rear exit to the house because he thought he was about to be beaten up. Unluckily for him, the only exit was the entrance as we lived at the far end of a cul-de-sac. The poor lad legged it for his life as three other guys tore through the house, trying to attack him. Thankfully he got away safely.

And to put a cherry on top of my night, my parents came home an hour early at around midnight and surveyed the mess. The majority of people had gone by then, but a few wisely started to leave as my Dad was being told about the redesigned VW car roof by the understandably disgruntled neighbour.

The police were called, but so far as I recall they didn’t pursue any complaints made by the neighbours. My Dad promptly issued a warning/threat to all the remaining people that he would never allow any of them across his ‘threshold’ again. It took all the strength in me to stifle a chuckle when a soft lone voice replied on behalf of the group shuffling off: “Sorry mister!”

The next day though, Dad kindly offered invites to come back to half a dozen of my mates who had copped that rollocking at the end of the night. He graciously said sorry to them as I explained to him that they hadn’t deserved it.

Oddly enough I never got told off for it. I suppose my parents felt I’d learned my lesson by the shock and enormity of what had gone on. I spent most of the next morning tidying up, and a couple of friends very kindly came by to check on my welfare.

My brother returned home from my grandparents and claimed he had heard the party from the other side of the hill. And “what was that lingering smell everywhere in the house?”

He was also annoyed that people had been in his bedroom, which had rightfully been out of bounds.

*refer to earlier mention of shenanigans…

Pretty soon my parents were quite relaxed about it all – though Mum was peeved that most of the food she’d made had barely been eaten as someone had poured booze over it all... chicken vodka-vents are not nice!

It was probably no coincidence that the entire downstairs was redecorated within three months.

In truth barely a handful of people had really caused any aggro – it just so happened that too many people came, and I couldn’t be omnipresent in protecting the house. Even the majority of people I hadn’t invited were actually good as gold and gave me no problems. In fact the hardest thing I personally had to keep on doing was to persuade the smokers to smoke outside.

Overall it was a peculiar event. As a result of the mess and damage, my poor brother wasn’t allowed a 16^th party himself, but for me personally the most annoying thing was that I simply wasn’t able to enjoy the night at all.

Additionally, my confidence took its own little dance too. I guess amongst my school friends, I was always thought of as being quiet and unlikely to indulge in such an event that had just taken place, so my confidence rose slightly as it became quite a talked about event at school, and as a strange consequence my credibility also improved a touch. However I felt in other ways my confidence was absolutely shot as I knew I had ultimately lost all control of what was going on. Bizarrely I think it affected me for years as some aspects of my shyness came back with a vengeance.

I think I am able to laugh about it now though thankfully!

“Ha ha! *cough*”

So dare we answer in the affirmative to “Can I have a party please!?”…

Would you?

Madonna – Thirteen Not Out

She’s back. Not that Madonna ever really goes away.

Much was made before Christmas about the leaking of several tracks from the upcoming thirteenth studio album from the Queen of Pop. Leaking, or ‘artistry theft’, of music is not a new thing, and indeed many of Madonna’s near-peer superstar artists have suffered similar experiences, but rarely has an artist (and her army of fans) been quite so publicly outraged about it.

In a recent interview with The Guardian journo Alexis Petridis, Madonna expressed the leaking of her latest creations as:

“Someone comes into your house and steals a painting off your wall: that's also a violation, but your work, as an artist, that's devastating. I'm sorry if words alarm people, but that's what it felt like. It was not a consensual agreement. I did not say 'hey, here's my music, and it's finished.' It was theft.”

Musical artistry is possibly hard to understand if – put simply – you are not artistic in your nature. But those who appreciate the effort more than the casual listener (and there’s nothing wrong with that stance by the way) would find it hard to blame her feeling as frustrated as she clearly does.

The Internet is a wonderful and horrendous platform in equal measure, but the concept of handling property online and the ownership of said property seems to be something that millions (or billions) around the world sometimes turn a blind eye to.

I’d be lying if I said I’d never heard a bootleg / leaked / pirated product on occasion in the past – who hasn’t? But as a matter of principle, I will wait until the full and formal release of Rebel Heart later this year. Completeness is preferable.

Dodgy leaks and artist anger aside, the question I’m looking to have answered is just how will 'Rebel Heart' compare with the previous twelve studio albums?

This blog isn’t a review, as I’d be here forever raving about True Blue alone, but I am rather partial to delivering the occasional executive summary here and there, as some of my previous blogs would attest to!

So I’ll wrap this blog with some #unapologetic comments on my favourite songs from MLVC’s earlier studio portfolio: (hyperlinks are to Madonna's official You Tube site)

Madonna (aka The First Album)

Borderline

The first Madonna song I liked. Probably the first I heard too. Reminds me of a school trip to northern France during the 80's, where we played The First Album incessantly. Also it’s the song I use on my phone as the alarm tone every morning!

Holiday

Could easily be a chart hit right now. Still sounds as fresh as ever.

                                                                                                   

Like A Virgin

Like a Virgin

One of the most iconic song intros of the 80’s – do I need to say any more?

Into the Groove

An absolute must on any party playlist. In my nightclubbing days, it was guaranteed I’d request (demand) the DJ got it on as soon as I got in the club, because “only when I’m dancing can I feel this free”

True Blue

True Blue is my favourite Madonna album period. I feel that nigh on the whole album was absolute pop perfection and very much of it’s time, and before I had my own copy I frequently borrowed a friend’s copy of the album on cassette during 1986 and 1987 and fell in love with all the songs.

La Isla Bonita is up there amongst the most beautiful songs of all time. In the accompanying music video, Madonna’s look as the un-made up, timid, austere and passive girl (contrasting with the red senorita) absolutely did it for me. I can’t think of a more stunning image of such a cosmetically unenhanced character. Just wow!

I digress.

So yes obviously this has stayed with me since forever ago – and the poor girl that I initially kept borrowing the cassette off eventually bought me a copy for my 12^th birthday! (Thanks EA x!)

If I HAVE to be pinned down to name a few other songs amongst this gem of an album that stand out, then I’m going with Open Your Heart, Papa Don’t Preach and Live To Tell.

Proof that even a twelve year old knows brilliance when he hears it.

And for good measure, when my daughter was born in 2012, the title track True Blue was playing on the radio in the background

Like a Prayer

Dear Jessie

Brilliant children’s record, though maybe that doesn’t do it enough justice. Always on my Christmas playlist as it evokes memories of the time of year it was released here in the UK.

Till Death Do Us Part

A hidden epic on the Like a Prayer album, it is a shame it wasn’t released in its own right.

Powerful, melodic and catchy song about the breakdown of a marriage.

Erotica

Waiting

I clearly recall to Erotica for the first time in it’s entirety on the day of its release in the summer of 1993. Talk about change of direction! The title track set the tone in its own ‘gotta listen to that again’ sort of way, but Waiting really struck me instantly. Brilliantly produced and after just one listen it immediately catapulted its way right into my all time favourite Madonna songs… ”Only love can hurt like this can”

Bedtime Stories

Take a Bow

Beautiful ballad, and I’ve found it to be a favourite of people who aren’t even Madonna fans. Has been well used elsewhere too, like in a couple of FRIENDS episodes.

Music

Nobody’s Perfect

Every time I play this for someone, they always ask ‘when did she do this then?’ – which is criminal! Again another track that didn’t get enough exposure. Love the vocoder effects – very much of its time.

...and maybe not technically studio albums, but personally I couldn’t do this without mentioning worthy gems on the following releases:

You Can Dance

I’ve already mentioned the original earlier, but the Into The Groove remix is spectacular here!

Who’s That Girl

Love the title track Who’s That Girl, Causing a Commotion and The Look of Love – I always felt that WTG was like a True Blue bonus disc

I’m Breathless

Can’t beat a bit of one of the most iconic dance anthems of all time in Vogue, and Now I’m Following You (Part 2) is a real quirky feast containing one of the truest lyrics ever put to music:

“An unimagined life is not worth living”

I’m bound to have missed some belters– such is the vastness and quality of the back catalogue. And with Madonna, you know there’s always more to come.

Rebel Heart for starters. Watch this space…

New Years Resolutions

Nearly time again to make (and then probably break) some resolutions!

I’ve had a gaze around the intermaweb and there are literally thousands of advice sites about how to keep New Years Resolutions (NYR) and it still seems to be a popular, if flawed, tradition for most of the planet!

The most popular resolutions tend to be along the lines of:

Break a bad habit

Visit somewhere new

Spend less/more time doing…

Start a new hobby

Eat or drink more or less…

Stop smoking

…and statistically, by February most of these will be shot!

Over half of the nation set NYR, and nearly 90% fail to make them last.

Why? Well the most common reason is that annoying thing called willpower. Contrary to popular belief, it’s a little bit comforting to know that having strong willpower is not something we’re born with. In other words you do have some degree of control over everything you strive to do!

So here’s the technical bit:

Your brain cells that operate willpower are located in the area right behind your forehead, and that particular area of the brain is also responsible for staying focused, handling short-term memory and solving minimalistic tasks.

When you set a new year’s resolution, a colossal amount of willpower is required, and frankly it’s an amount that your brain simply cannot handle.

The problem is that any abstract goal you have (that is not tied to a specific behaviour) is near impossible for your brain to focus on. So blanket changes are therefore often destined to fail (there are always exceptions) – but small steps do indeed help

For example:

Resolution: Quit smoking vs. Habit: 

Only stop smoking that 1 cigarette you have every morning after breakfast, and decrease other times gradually.

Resolution: Eat healthy food vs. Habit:

Start substituting that 1 mid-morning bag of crisps for a banana.

Resolution: Lose Weight vs. Habit: 

Every evening after work, go for a 2-3 minute run or walk around the block.

Resolution: Manage stress vs. Habit: 

Meditate for a while every morning after you wake up. Set your alarm ten minutes earlier than normal, and then hit the snooze button and genuinely relax for a few minutes before getting up.

 

By immediately breaking down each resolution and seeing what the smallest habit could be, the success rates shoot up dramatically. Leaving NYR vague will bring you no such joy.

Top Tips:

1. Pick only one or two resolutions

…and make them important to you.

2. Take baby steps – make it a tiny habit

…make sure you break down your resolution as far as you can to the simplest task possible. Turn it into the tiniest habit that you can perform in less than 60 seconds.

3. Hold yourself accountable for what you want to change.

…Tell others or write it down. If you tell some of your friends and family about the new tiny habit you’ve created, you are much more likely to stick to it. Write it down maybe – or even set reminders on your phone.

4. Focus on the carrot not the stick. Positive feedback and rewards increase your chance of success.

…Treating yourself to an unhealthy snack after a few days of successful diet habits changes is more than appropriate if you really want to make it through to a successful end.

So good luck! You never know in advance, but you do know that it’ll all be down to you!

As for me, I’d like to have a crack at the short walk every day, so will endeavour to give that a go.

And for fun I’ll try and keep the following resolutions:

1.Swear less

2.Blog less than 1000 words (target achieved on this blog – woo hoo!)

Thanks for reading, and I'll be back in 2015 if you fancy indulging some more! 

Belief.Love.Spirit 

XxX 

An Anti-Bucket List

This has been a pretty tricky piece to write. I generally don’t tend to go out of my way to look for negatives, so you’ll be pleased to know this is a quick and short blog job...

Along the lines of being the polar opposite to the cracking Morgan Freeman / Jack Nicholson movie, an ‘anti-bucket list’ is effectively the things you hope to never do before you die!

So without further ado, it’s on my anti-bucket list not to…

Go anywhere where there are bird eating spiders.

These monsters are as big as your fist and don’t give me that old flannel about every living thing having a right to life. They’re homing spiders too, so it’s no good you taking them to the back of the garden and “ta-ta!” They’ll be BACK with a two fingered salute before you know it.

I’ve got the shivers just thinking about it.

Go potholing

I so very nearly did this one. I was on a school trip in 1991 and got all togged up and was ready to traipse some of Wales’ finest pothole routes – and then I bottled it. It was the right decision. An hour or so later, people came out of there frozen and in tears, suffering from claustrophobic stress and whatnot.

Take illegal substances

Yes I’m boring I guess, but it’s just so not my scene.

“How do you know Bez, you’ve not even tried it mate!?”

Yeah but I really don’t want to. I’m happy with my own ‘drug’ of choice (alcohol) so you take what you want and I’ll take what I want – simples!

I know I’m in the tiniest possible minority to have never even TRIED illegal substances – I think I can only count on half of one hand the amount of friends I know who also haven’t indulged – but I’m comfortable with it.  Live and let live etc.

Watch Top Gun

“WHAT!? And you claim to be a child of the 80’s?”

Yeah but is it all that? Really? I personally love the Brat Pack movies (and in my mind, TG is in the same ball park) but when I persuaded my wife to watch St Elmo’s Fire recently, she fell asleep. 

That is surely more heinous a crime than to never watch TG! So hopefully I won’t cave in and will live out my days until my Goose is cooked, not knowing whether Tom & Kelly ever got it on.

Gutted that none of my teachers looked as good as Kelly though…

And admittedly, Take My Breath Away is an absolute belter of a song. Terri Nunn did, and always will, ROCK!

Willingly listen to an Ellie Goulding song

Sorry, I know it sounds mean, but I just don’t like her singing voice, which is a shame as some of her songs are pretty good. I can’t put my finger on it, but bless her it just grates with me and is a right turn off.

I’ve heard she speaks highly of me though. And she adores my own nasal toned singing voice.

Touch a snake

“They’re not slimy, so what’s the problem?”

I really couldn’t give a Monkey’s flying Canadian club if snakes are slimy, furry, fluffy or rock hard, I will never get within 10 feet of a snake, even if its trapped inside a 4 inch glass enclosure, let alone TOUCH one.

You might have seen me at the Zoo actually, running out of the reptile building, screaming and crying. I just cannot be near them – they’re out to get me!

Father Christmas is REAL!

Whether you sit on the splintered commercialism fence or throw yourself fully into the spirit of the Christmas season, if you have children one thing is for sure… there will come a time when they will approach you and want to know the truth.

“Is Father Christmas*   (*Santa Claus / Pere Noel / Babbo Natale / Daidí na Nollag / Moş Crăciun / Christmas Baba / Christmas Thaathaa / Weihnachtsmann / Dun Che Lao Ren / Papai Noel / Viejo Pascuero / Kanakaloka / Swiety Mikolaj / cha Giáng sinh)   real?”

(Hopefully) many years of your child’s life will have passed with them enjoying the wonders of Christmas before asking you that question, but how can it be answered in the most appropriate way?

I’ve been a dad for nearly a dozen years now, but it still doesn’t give me any right or interest in telling a fellow parent how to parent their child – but I recall how my own dad helped me to discover the mystery behind Father Christmas.

I was 13 years old (yes 13…I was a shy and sheltered young lad!), and decided to broach the subject in the kitchen one evening. So I listened intently, hoping for a decent explanation, following years of teasing from friends who insisted I was bonkers to still believe in a story about a man in a red cloak that carried a bag containing billions of presents.

He looked me in the eye – as he always did (and still does!) and started talking about the spirit of Christmas.

So did I buy his explanation? 

Well fast forward through several years full of experiences and life altering highs and lows, and I find myself now rapidly approaching 40 years old, around the same age my dad was when we spoke.

And I STILL believe in Father Christmas.

I found that the event of Christmas became less special as I moved from being a teenager into a man, though I strived to keep the spirit alive.

And then my own children were born, and their enjoyment of Christmas for me is like living through Christmas as a child all over again.

One cannot script this life. But if at all possible, including elements borrowed with pride from what my own dad told me on that winters day, in a deep and dark December in 1988, I tried to convey the below to my children when their time arrived…

“Until this time came, and until you asked this question, I couldn’t reveal the answer. But I believe Father Christmas is about 3 things:

· Belief

· Love

· …and Spirit

Belief

The existence of Father Christmas is not really a lie – it’s a secret kept to help children believe in things they cannot hold or see.

Throughout your life, you will often need the capacity to believe in yourself, in your friends and your family, even when it’s incredibly hard to do so.

Love

Christmas is the symbol of the greatest power you

will ever know: Love.

Love will light your life from the inside out, even

during its darkest hours when you are sad.

Love will never burn out as somebody somewhere

will always love YOU.

Spirit

But the best reason to forever believe is because

spirit is real and enduring.

Father Christmas is an embodiment of magical spirit that lives inside of everyone who believes in him. He is real for as long as you believe he is real, and not for one moment longer.

When your friends tell you that he’s not real, they are correct… he isn’t real for them anymore.

If you believe he is real, like I do, then you can keep Father Christmas alive in your heart for as long as you want to do so (even when you’re as old as I am!) for Christmas lasts even longer for those who choose to believe.

All the times you do kind things for people throughout the year expecting nothing in return, well THAT is also the spirit of Christmas”

Have Belief

Have Love

Have Spirit

…and have yourself a merry little Christmas forever   XxX