When Technology goes Missing

A missing child is always big news, and rightfully so. Some cases attract more attention than others but staggeringly over 140,000 under 18’s go missing every year – and every 3 minutes another missing child report comes in to the Police.

One of the positives to modern technology and social networking is that news of a missing child invariably gets to millions of people rapidly, therefore increasing the chance of a happy ending. Speed of communication has not always been so present though.

Strangely enough during the summer of 1978, I managed to become a missing child for a short period of time…well a short period in my mind, and probably only a few hours in real time, but in all likelihood a lifetime for my Mum.

Evidently my Mum was chatting in the front garden to a neighbour. I was milling about and my baby brother was in his buggy. She took her eye off me momentarily and within seconds I had gone.

The rear gardens to the houses backed onto woods which bordered the old Hove Golf Course, and thankfully not the A293 (A27 link road) that opened in 1992, so onto the lawns was really the only direction I could have gone.

Having discovered me missing, my Mum naturally ran around in a panic and got neighbours up and down the road looking for a blond (yes blond) 2 year old boy.

 

Bear in mind back then not everybody had landline phones, and NOBODY had a mobile cellular phone, so Mum had to find someone somewhere with a landline phone to make the call to the Police. She couldn’t call my Dad as he was at work driving his bus and therefore totally uncontactable, so having called the Police and given details they said they’d pop along shortly. She then went onto the golf course with a few of the neighbours to ask the golfers (of which there were many) if they’d seen me.

No joy.

From my point of view I can just about remember walking along a stretch of grass (supposedly the golf course) and subsequently walking up the A270 Old Shoreham Road towards the junction with Hangleton Road, which is a distance of just over half a mile.

Albeit the Old Shoreham Road is far busier now than it was then, it was still a major road back in 1978 due the Brighton by-pass having not yet been built.

I couldn’t have been on the roadside long though before I was approached by two young girls who had got out of a bronze car and started to speak to me.
In fact the photo below (taken in 1987 Dave Denyer - with thanks) shows exactly the spot where they picked me up! 

I have no recollection who they were or what they said, but evidently they took me to a Police box* in Olive Road, Hove

*#tardis

Soon enough the Police bought me home to my relieved Mum. When my Dad got home, oblivious to what had happened, he asked my Mum if she’d given me a bloody good hiding for running off!

It’s fashionable to knock modern technology at the moment – and in particular mobile phones – but in some cases, what would we do without them?

Getting Trollied again

Updated and Revised Blog for 2016!

Very pleased to find out that the Sky One sitcom ‘Trollied’ is returning for a sixth series this Autumn. I absolutely love this show, and hopefully this season will hit the same heights as before.

Having worked in a supermarket from age 15 until I escaped aged 23, I can very much relate to the events in Trollied, and feel warmed by knowing that not much has changed in day-to-day supermarket shenanigans since I left in 1999.

Viewers of the show that haven’t worked in a supermarket before, might find it all a bit odd and not very funny at all. Crass even.

But if you’ve done your time in food retail, like I did for over 8 years, then you will know. You will just know how accurate some of the apparent outlandish storylines actually are.

You name it, if it’s been on Trollied, then I’ve recognised that it’s actually happened (and probably still happening) in real life.

Such as, staff:

…sleeping on top of the warehouse chillers (knew a guy that did this at least once a week)

…performing knee slides across the floor on night shift (every night)

…wilfully damaging goods (I saw a guy do a flying headbutt into a pallet of 200 egg boxes)

…having sex in the warehouse (didn’t witness this(!) but it definitely happened fairly often)

…being chucked in the baler (the new kids on Produce)

…eating food off the shopfloor (happened on a daily basis)

…describing fruit shapes to old ladies using genitalia innuendo (too many to mention)

…managers ‘stealing’ other managers’ cars, parking them halfway across town and letting the tyres down (I loved working at that branch!)

It’s not an exhaustive list by any means, but you get the gist!

Another staple of Trollied are the undertones of relationships. The amount of relationships that interweaved in the stores I worked in were innumerable, and ‘incestuous’ was often the term used to describe them. I remember rumours of one person who had relations of sorts with at least a dozen other members of staff from the same store… and frankly I lost count of the amount of senior managers visiting the customer toilets with checkout girls. And boys.

I even had my own brush with a ‘Mrs Robinson’ experience. To be fair I was 22, and she was only 34, but her 12 year seniority on me was quite something to experience! I was probably far too shy for my own good with her... :-)
Additionally, when I was 19 I was accused of having an affair with my female manager, who was well into her 50’s #shudder … and NO, I didn’t!

One particular highlight was someone taking the time to put a prank call in to Customer Services in the summer of 1996. Using the tannoy to broadcast to over a thousand staff and customers, the innocent young checkout assistant boomed:

“This is a customer announcement. There is an urgent call for Mike Hunt, who is shopping in the store today. Please can Mike Hunt come to Customer Services”

I kid you not.

Later that night, by pure fluke, I actually met the bloke who put the prank call in. Turns out he didn’t even work for the supermarket, but had done it for a mate of his whose last day it was.

So Trollied is very realistic and should be a real eye opener to those who think its fiction. It isn’t!

And as I’m feeling kind, I’ll leave you with a top tip: Never buy grated parmesan from a deli counter…

Stop Press: 
More Trollied / Supermarket life blogging:

It Was A Womans World (Trollied Part 2)

Sweary Lineker

The Grannies favourite in the making Gary Lineker got into a bit of trouble recently for using the F-word on Twitter when expressing his sheer excitement and disbelief at his team Leicester City destroying the historically more mighty Manchester United.

'So what?', you might be thinking. In actuality, Lineker was only doing what billions of other people - football fans or not - do every day... in some cases in every other sentence.

Certain media outlets though found his comments to be inappropriate, given that there is no age censorship effectively in place on Twitter. Blimey if they thought a couple of F-words from Lineker were bad, they REALLY haven't been on Twitter that much!!!

The Telegraph story

Lineker himself laughed it off. After all, if you can't swear in joyous context after such a rare moment of sporting exhilaration, when indeed can you?

The real story here though is the impact of the F-word itself.

As a child, it was an absolute no-no at home.

I'd heard it at school from my friends who had older siblings... and subsequently I told my younger brother to "F*** off!" when I was about 6 years old. I didn't get told off too much, but my parents made it clear it was not a word to use full stop as it shows a 'lack of intelligence, when other words are available.'... and many people still feel the same way about it - which is nice.

Anyway, in spite of my friends continual use of it, being a compliant sort, I did not.

Imagine my parents shock when I dropped the C-Bomb when I was 8 or 9... again my little brother was the recipient (I loved him really)

This time though it was explained to me what it meant and the offensiveness it carried. Soon after I got told about the birds and the bees, and all became clear.

If anything it put me right off!

Funnily enough though, I remember the very few times I heard my parents say the F-word and I always found it very unpleasant. Some things you just shouldn't hear from your mum and dad I guess?

As times have moved on, the use of such top drawer swearing on TV has changed massively. Yes you'd hear it in some films after the 9pm watershed, but on mainstream TV? Not much - and often certain words were dubbed.

Readers of a certain age might recall watching Die Hard get ruined by Bruce Willis exclaiming "yippie-ki-yay, kemo sabe" - not quite so impactive as the original quote. I doubt Joe Pesci would have had a career at all, given the dialogue in films such as Casino and Goodfellas. Man if ever a guy knew how to swear impactively, it's him!

On TV though, people like Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse used to delightfully mock such dubbing:

Harry Enfield & Paul Whitehouse - Badfellas

But as we moved into the new millennium, it slowly crept in to regular broadcasting - and not only TV drama and Big Brother (which must take much of the blame/credit) but even on chat shows too.

It became less shocking as it became the norm, and I guarantee that whatever network you watch TV on tonight, you will hear the F-word as a given and a rule, rather than an exception. And in 10 years, whether you like it or not, the C-bomb will be of the same status.

"No f***ing chance!" I hear you say...

I blame Canada.

Those 'Child of the 90's' lists...!!!

Well following on from my 'Child of the 80's' blog, along came a request from my lovely cousin to do a 90's review...How could I decline!?

These are not so prevalent as the 80’s ones, so with a little spousal help, a few have been added!

You know you're a child of the 90's when:

'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest

Definitely wasn’t me!

Interactive games meant going to the park to play with friends

RIP playing at the park

"Talk to the hand" was enough said

“As you do…”

You remember when Billie Piper was a pop star

Yeah I’m sure there’s a misnomer there somewhere

An android was a robot and tablets were medication

Why do we still call it ‘dialling a number’?

You remember Ant and Dec when they were PJ and Duncan, and thought Donna Air was ‘all that’

Nah I’m not sure she was ever ‘all that’

It wasn't odd to have two or three best friends

I reckon the group of 6 or 7 I was in were all good friends – only took one argument to break it up though!

Playing Super Nintendo was the hardest thing ever

PS1/2/3/4 – same argument for me!

TFI Friday was as wild as your weekend got

Danny Baker doesn’t fail at anything.

You remember when Blue Peter presenters were squeaky clean

They’re all at it you know…

You screamed at the dopey contestants in The Crystal Maze

Jeebus some of the klutzes on that programme. Richard O’Brien’s calm exterior deserved an Oscar

You wanted your dying moments to be constructed by Shakespears Sister

She used to look a lot less scary

If you had a million dollars, you could do pretty much what you liked with Demi Moore

Even get a Dudley Moore haircut ©F.R.I.E.N.D.S

You believed NO NO, NO-NO NO NO, NO-NO NO NO, NO NO THERE’S NO LIMIT

5 weeks at #1, following Whitney’s ‘I Will Always Love You’ – which had been #1 for 10 weeks. Some of us had a limit – and it was definitely breached.

You could do ‘The Macarena’ and ‘Saturday Night’ move by move – and repeat

No but I could Moonwalk on the right surface with the right shoes

You debated with your friends how Rose could have saved Jack

The most memorable scene in Titanic for me was seeing Mr.Soft walking the decks during one of the CGI long distance shots:

You could recite the intro to ‘Never Ever’ by heart

I tried and tried but just couldn’t bring myself to like these girls. They just weren’t the Spice Girls

Speaking of which, you could ‘zig-a-zig-ah’

I think I loved all of them at various stages… but always Emma the most

I queued up for 3 hours to get that. In Virgin Megastore Brighton (RIP)

You rejoiced that Julia Roberts made prostitution a fun thing

Not with those armpits

You can sing the rap to ‘The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air’

Absolutely, and it’s even more poignant now

You went to the cinema every week and Kevin Costner was in everything

Or Hugh Grant for that matter...

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons

What is it with cookery programmes on Saturday mornings these days!!!???

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school. With Capri Suns.

I necked 5 of these in a row a few of years ago. Top Tip: Don’t do it.

Most men dismissed Take That as rubbish

Oh how times have changed

You wore lime green all summer in 1996

Who didn’t?

You played and/or collected ‘Pogs’

No but I knew a man who did.

You rented Videos for £2.50, and DVD sounded like an illness.

Before even DVDs we had CD-i.

No really - click and view: CD-i

  

We called local radio stations to request songs. And would listen to them through our Walkmans

One of the best inventions ever.

If you couldn’t get an answer from Sabrina, Clarissa would Explain it All

You see Miley? Not all child stars went on the same rites of passage as you

School trips were better than family holidays

Because there was snogging probably!

Natalie Imbruglia from Neighbours could actually sing

Which was good because before that I was Torn

Speaking of which you used to run home at lunch break to get ahead of the game with Neighbours

Two words: Rachel Friend – sounds like she could have been in another show…

Those 'Child of the 80's' lists...

These babies must've been doing the rounds for years now.  Always worth a chuckle but I thought I'd give it a bit more context...

You know you're a child of the 80's when:

You remember when there was no breakfast TV and when TV shut down at midnight.

And Dad would open the window and turn the volume up so the neighbours could enjoy the National Anthem

There was nothing on TV in the middle of the day except for that test card girl with the clown and a blackboard.

Bless her heart she looked like a girl in my school moonlighting.

You can name at least half of the members of the elite Brat Pack.

They've never left the thoughts of this Man in Motion.

You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.

I more recall the Commodore Vic 20 vs Commodore 64 vs ZX Spectrum 48k+ debate (the Speccy won)

You own any cassettes.

Of course...still have over 400. It's a collection dammit!

You remember dancing to Tiffany.

Yeah that was last week. I remember running just as fast as I can. Usually on the spot.

You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.

That is in fact what a bearded teacher told me in 1985. That all sadly changed in 1986.

You know who Max Headroom is. But did you ever find out if he was r-r-r-r-r-real?

Didn't get the joke in his name until years and years later when I had learnt how to drive.

You wore fluorescent, neon clothing.

Nope but my brother did.

You could breakdance, or wished you could.

Nope but my brother thought he could.

You Believed that 'By the power of Greyskull', you HAD the power.

I thought I would have power if I said it backwards. Evidently not. 

You remember David Hasselhoff when he wore clothes and talked to his car.

Here's some controversy...never liked Knight Rider. Never as good as the Dukes of Hazzard.

You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.

No no.. forget that. Who else genuinely remembers ET biscuits?

You know the profound meaning of Wax on, Wax off.

I know that every kid called Daniel suddenly had an extra name.

You remember that spiky flat-tops were the rave after Top Gun.

Never.Seen.It.Like.Ever.

You used to get into the family car by sliding through the open window Dukes of Hazzard style.

No but my son has tried it recently

You saw Ghostbusters 7 times.

No but I saw Ghost at least 3 times.

You ran around the playground saying: "We came, we saw, we kicked ass!"

More like I hid in the corner praying for dear life during British Bulldog

Saturday was Multi Coloured Swap Shop day.

That bloke still has a tidy beard.

You wore leg-warmers (or knew someone who did)

Hated them as the girls always lent them to more popular boys than me.

You know the theme tune and the names of all the actors and characters in Dynasty.

Mmm Emma Samms / Fallon...

You remember watching a house inhabited by a jester, a pantomime horse, and a woman who sneezed, and thinking that this was perfectly normal.

No that was just rubbish.

Ooh, you could crush a Grape!

My mum took us to see that 'live'...and future friends of mine got to go on stage with Stu Francis and one of the Nolans.

The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.

My first kiss as an under 18, there was no music present. As an adult though it was actually to "La Bamba" by Los Lobos. Dead romantic.

You remember Now compilations that had the pig on the front cover (and ones in single figures...)

Yeah what WAS the idea behind the pig?

You owned, or wanted a "Frankie says..." T-shirt.

No but my Dad did.

You have ever danced (or even worse cried) to Kylie & Jason.

It WAS a beautiful wedding. 

Parachuting Action man was your favourite toy.

You mean those 3 inch plastic soldiers attached to a bit of string and a carrier bag that you lobbed into the air surely?

You thought ABBA were cool, the first time round!

Damn right they were.

You wore mismatched finger-less gloves.

Hell yeah

You remember when Betamax was at the cutting edge of technology.

Blank Betamax=195 minutes

Blank VHS=180 minutes

We had both!

Vimto / Dandelion & Burdock featured in your diet.

Every Christmas with every other Corona staple.

Fingermouse

How on Earth has that slipped under the radar?

You fantasised about those girls from that Robert Palmer video.

Nope just Cheryl Baker.

Your best mate had a Sodastream at home and you were jealous.

Everyone had one apart from us.

The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to your children.

Basically this blog...!

I love Scotland!

Scotland. Isn't it eh!?
What a choice.
What an incredibly historic day awaits tomorrow.

I don't do politics in public often (and you won't find politics in my blogs) but I'm secure enough in my own will to say that so long as I can recall,  when asked my nationality I've invariably responded proudly as 'British'. I've no idea what my true Scottish born friends and family feel about that.. and actually I don't mind what they feel about that!

Doesn't make me right.
Doesn't make me wrong.

Am I an outsider? I've never thought of myself as one...

Whatever way it goes, may the victors be BRAVE and build on the lessons the last few weeks has highlighted.
Good luck to Scotland. No result tomorrow will change my view on you.

 

PS can I be controversial and say I prefer 'Scotland the Brave' to 'Flower of Scotland'!? 

The Best of The Beatles

Those who know me will know I love a bit of Alan Partridge. Well actually a lot.

I recently caught again this clip from one of the episodes during the series when he was staying at the (fictional) Linton Travel Tavern (“It’s not 3 stars, but certainly competitive”):

Ben (hotel porter):

“I didn’t know you were into music. I know you’re a DJ but I’ve heard your show”

Alan Partridge:

“Oh yeah I like all the bands. I’ve got a broad taste, you know. From the Britpop bands like UB40, Def Leppard, right back to classic rock, like Wings.”

Ben:

“Who’s Wings?”

Alan Partridge:

“They’re only the band The Beatles COULD have been”

Ben:

“I love The Beatles”

Alan Partridge:

“Yeah, so do I”

Ben:

“What’s your favourite Beatles album, then?”

Alan Partridge:

“Tough one. I think I’d have to say ‘The Best of The Beatles’”

To non Beatles fans that wont mean much – to the rest of us, it’s generally common knowledge that amongst the officially released Beatles albums in the UK and US, there is no such album entitled ‘The Best of The Beatles’ – the joke being that Partridge, as ever, knows a lot less than he confidently makes out (a bit like me really…)

The Def Leppard and Wings comments are funny in their own right, but guess what?

‘The Best of The Beatles’ DOES exist.

There are apparently nearly 60 Beatles compilations that have been issued worldwide, and whilst many of these are likely unofficial in no small dubious way, there actually is an album, nay a SERIES of albums, on the Japanese market called ‘The Best of The Beatles’

Below is merely Volume One, and I found it goes up to at least Volume Four.

So just a few observations on the validity of this delectable masterpiece.

Michelle

Lovely continental ode / folk song that sits nicely on the Rubber Soul album.. but never worthy of a greatest hits package

Yellow Submarine

Similar to above. Cute song aimed at children, but again not in the canon of ‘best ofs’

Bad Boy

I bet there are die hard Beatles fans out there who don’t know any of the lyrics to this B-side. Shouldn’t be on any album full stop.

Eleanor Rigb

Always mentioned as a Beatles classic – and rightly so. Why no ‘y’ though?

I Want To Hold Your Hold

Wouldn’t we all, eh readers!?